The Testimony of 2020

“When the time is right” is a ginormous, gigantic, humongous theme in my life.

My life twisted and turned, knotted and untied, froze and burned, all in my seventeenth year. Yet, additionally, my life was rebuilt in the same year. In a sense, this year has been a controlled forest fire. Similar to how firefighters and wildlife preservationists plan a burnout to encourage new growth, in hindsight, this is what God has been doing in my life. It’s amazing how God never allows his own work to ever go stagnant. Right when we think we stand before a swamp filled with alligators, God raises his hand and the stagnant water forms into a sea able to be parted. God parts the waters when he sees fit, and says “walk through”. Through what? Sometimes we don’t know but God always does.

In a series of twelve months, I experienced the most change yet encountered in my life. From the beginning of 2020, to now the beginning of 2021, I started medication for anxiety, underwent my second major hip surgery, was sick in a specialized children's hospital, moved, dealt with family divides, spent a week at a crisis center after a misdiagnosis, started public school and went back a year education-wise, and spent seven weeks at a residential eating disorder facility after not knowing I had a disorder to begin with.

I’ve been really mad this year. Really angry this year. Really hopeless this year. Ready to give up this year. I easily could have given in. Believe me. But I didn’t. I won’t. I refuse to.

God showed me that when the time is right, the time will be right. God showed me that everything in life is truly meaningless except for the pursuit of God's heart. God showed me that sharing his Word even in times of despair is more valuable than anything I could hold in my hands.

Here’s how God has saved me: God let everything happen at the right time. All the stress from medical issues and family issues led to my crisis intervention. This experience led me to a psychiatrist who was able to diagnose me with something that just made sense. This led to me finding adequate treatment which led to me seeking out specialized help which then led me to residential treatment. God showed me how health as its intended will fuel my heart.

I have learned a series of lessons this year but most recently during my residential stay I realized a LOT. During my time at Renfrew God shared this particular truth with me. Life. Is. Meaningless. In Ecclesiastes Solomon takes us through the exploration of this prompt. The end conclusion is that everything is meaningless but God. When we are seeking God, the gifts and talents and purpose he has for us for his glory is revealed and THAT. That obedience and dedication is what makes this meaningless life meaningful. The clearest place I have accessed with this truth is Philippians 3. In this passage, Paul shares that if anyone has reason to believe in their own confidence its him because he has followed all the rules and deeds. However, he knows that this can’t be because the effort is not his.“ We rely on what Christ Jesus has done for us. We put no confidence in human effort, 4 though I could have confidence in my own effort if anyone could. Indeed, if others have reason for confidence in their own efforts, I have even more! 5 I was circumcised when I was eight days old. I am a pure-blooded citizen of Israel and a member of the tribe of Benjamin—a real Hebrew if there ever was one! I was a member of the Pharisees, who demand the strictest obedience to the Jewish law. 6 I was so zealous that I harshly persecuted the church. And as for righteousness, I obeyed the law without fault.7 I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done.”

Compared to holy sacrifice, everything else - everything worldly and possessive is worthless.

8 “Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ 9 and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ.[c] For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith. 10 I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, 11 so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!”

Rule following does not equal instant holiness. It can turn worldly fast. And that's how everything can be meaningless.

Over the years I have prayed Psalm 51:10 “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” and up until this exact moment I didn’t think anything of it. I thought a heart transformation would result in me loving everyone when I opened my eyes to see them. And honestly when I opened my eyes and I still judged I would beat myself up over it. But here’s what’s really cool.The word “is” means in progress, present, and consistent. God IS in my ups and downs this year. He IS in my heart transformation. If I can see it's not where I want to be, if I see it's wrong, I know I’m being called higher. Is that not heart surgery at its finest? If you’re a human you are not going to go to an animal hospital for a heart transplant. You’re going to go somewhere for proper care. For higher care. When I’m down I like to keep Isaiah 55:9 in sight "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Higher care is in this verse. When my ways don’t measure up to enough and my thoughts bring me down, when we are down, we know we have something to look up at. We know our calling is higher. Holy is where I am called.

“Be” it's a really short word but it's my word for 2020. Here’s what it means to me. In my mind, the word be means “to stay” to “stay present.” We “be” but God “is”. That doesn’t make much sense does it? Let me elaborate. “Be” has an “it is what it is” connotation. “Am” on the other hand is enough. We go from be to am through holiness and perfecting and higher power. We are. God is. Anyone else pick up on the slight tone change there? Since I’ll never be perfect until Heaven, I want to "be". Present in change. Present in evolving. Always taking that positive step. Yet God is. “I am who I am.” He is never changing.

Before this year I have never shared the gospel. Yet this year in both a mental hospital and an eating disorder facility - two places I never knew I’d be - God worked in huge ways. I was able to share the gospel with two girls, be a light to many adolescents, mention Gods name, and call upon the Lord FOR those I met in the process. Some people did not hear me preach the gospel or anything like that. They just said they saw a light. That is still God at work because that is God, not I. Before this year I never thought I could share the gospel as I don’t mind talking to people, but sometimes, I try and relate so much to the other person with so many creative ideas that the purpose of my speech becomes confusing. For this, I see the example of Moses. God wanted Moses to go to Pharaoh and tell him to let God's people go. Moses says he can’t because his words stumble. “But Moses pleaded with the LORD, “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.” Exodus 4:10

God helped Moses with a helper but still used him. I pleaded with God like, "dude, I can't do this! what the heck do I say?!"

However, in uncomfortable places, God's presence is near. 2 Corinthians 1:3, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” In troubled times, we are self consumed and its hard to open up to let someone else's struggle in. Yet, this is sometimes our calling. We are to comfort others with the comfort we ourselves have experienced/received. This is how we can be the hands and feet of God even in dark times. Even then, we need (and can) comfort others despite our circumstances. I didn’t think I could possibly present hope when I myself was running low on hope. Doing this, hope grew. This is circumstantially bearing our cross.

So, 2020 was a wild one. A transforming year. A life-changing year. I keep going to show others that they can too. Faith is what got me through. Here’s to 2021.