ARFID one year later…

***TW

I am one of the lucky ones for I get to remember.

I remember crying over a meal plan

I remember thinking “if I have to eat for the rest of my life I want to die”

I remember crying over lasagna on Christmas Day away from my family

I remember bawling about a plate of chicken nuggets

I remember eliminating my favorite foods because I thought they made me sick

I remember fearing foods I had eaten every day because I thought they made me chock and my throat close

I remember cutting out my favorite breakfast food because I thought it was making me ill

I remember asking someone to sit with me to make sure I ate

I remember wanting food but not having enough motivation to make it

I remember asking my Mom to make me food because I mentally couldn’t

I remember saying I couldn’t eat

I remember the frustrating process to be medically cleared

I remember the mourning of a body

I remember the changes I thought would never end

But, because of recovery, I remember.

I remember accepting my struggle

I remember learning it was okay

I remember eating my first meal at home after residential

I remember eating a donut with absolute happiness

I remember ordering coffee with milk in it for the first time

I remember ordering ice cream by myself for myself

I remember eating out with friends and not wondering if I would choke but focusing on them

I remember eating at a friends house and being so proud

I remember eating in a packed cafeteria and feeling accomplished

I remember enjoying food

….

I remember coming together with those I love.

Because of recovery, I remember.